


the dice were loaded against us (ever seeing each other)

by multicorn



Category: Glee
Genre: 5 Things, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 12:25:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4479191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multicorn/pseuds/multicorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Kurt and Blaine almost meet, before Never Been Kissed, and the one time they finally do.</p><p>they've always lived in the same place, in so many ways.</p><p>(Warnings for description of aftermath of canonical gaybashing (Sadie Hawkins).)</p>
            </blockquote>





	the dice were loaded against us (ever seeing each other)

**Author's Note:**

> For [Prompt 3 at todaydreambelievers](http://todaydreambelievers.tumblr.com/tagged/prompt-3) on tumblr. And also on tumblr [here](http://the-multicorn.tumblr.com/post/125639560175/fic-the-dice-were-loaded-against-us-ever-seeing).
> 
> Title from the Mountain Goats' song ["Snow Owl."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nw018RETFbY)

1.  

Kurt bargained with his father for weeks.It used to be so much easier; when he was in elementary school, his Dad would take him to almost anything, but in the last couple ofyears… something's changed.Now his Dad always seems to want him to "do things like the other kids do" - and even "play with some other kids" - doing what!?"Go outside, throw a ball around, catch a movie."Supposedly.With whom, he doesn't know.Eventually he agreed to go throw the ball by himself, and he's gotten really good at catching it these last couple weeks, up to twenty-eight claps while it's still up in the air.

And now he's sitting in the Playhouse Theatre, in Cleveland, bouncing in his seat, impatient for the chance to see not just _Legally Blonde_ but also! two! of the finalists! from the dramatic _The Search for Elle Woods_.

Until the lights go down, though, he watches the crowd filing in.  It's not quite a part of the play, but it is an integral part of the theatre-going experience.  Most everyone looks as old as his Dad - if not older - gray hair, stooping walks - but once in a while someone is wearing something interesting.  And then suddenly, standing out as much as if a spotlight were shining on him, he sees a boy who looks about his age.  "Hey, Dad, look," he says.  His Dad doesn't move, so he nudges his shoulder and surreptitiously points out the boy.  Dark-haired and compactly built, he's moving with more ease and seeming comfort than Kurt would expect in a suit and place like this.  "Kids totally go to the theatre.  I'm not the only boy here."

"Look how his mom's holding onto him, though," his Dad says.  And it's true, a slim woman next to him is holding his wrist.  "I bet he's just here because she made him come."

Kurt sets his chin imperiously, and turns away.  There's no point arguing about it, even if he's right.  But his attention ends up split unforgivably away from the story on stage even after the play starts.  He keeps looking down and over at the boy as if there's a story there too, as if there could be.  And his mother - she's drinking wine - and clinging to him, seems to be crying, by the end of "So Much Better."  He hates to admit it, but he guesses his Dad was probably right.

 

2.

Blaine doesn't go to Between The Sheets every day after school, or even every week.  Just whenever he's feeling down, instead of going home, he goes to the music store and looks for a new song to play.  Something to cover up the bad feelings, or to bleed them painlessly away.

There are books he looks at, too, that he doesn't buy.  Ones that scream _DIVAS_ in bold silver letters slashed across the front, or _Queens of Broadway!_ in overly curlicued red metallic type.  He already knows he's gay.  The way he feels about boys he likes - there's nothing in the world like that.  But he's not sure if he's ready for other people to know too.  The kids at school already laugh when he sings songs written for girls, they whisper behind their hands, and he - wants to sing all of these songs to someone.  But he wants to sing them to an audience that will love his performance, not mock, so for now he ends up choosing ones he can get away with.

And he's working up his nerve.  He always tells himself, next time, maybe, when he comes back, if they're still there.  But somehow someone else always buys those particular books first.  The books of _70s Rock Gods_ and _18th Century Chorales_ sit on the shelves month after month, but the ones that catch his eye are sold.

It's probably not always the same person - definitely not always the same guy - buying all of them before he can, almost certainly not some guy just like him.  But he can imagine, right?

Eventually there's a book just called _Glam_ and the painted, almost demonic, completely gender-breaking faces on the cover are more compelling than anything he's ever seen.  He knows it'll be gone immediately - despite everything, he can't dare to buy it the first time - but it's still there when he comes back the next day to check.  So he takes it up to the register, hands it bravely to the bored cashier and pays with trembling hands.

The songs inside are the most amazing ones he's ever learned.

 

3. 

Kurt's shopping at Macy's with Mercedes on a still-warm September Saturday afternoon.  He doesn't have much homework, and he does have a best friend, and she's waving around a sweater with five separate too-bright shades of hot pink and teal.

"Are you questioning my taste?" Mercedes asks.

"No, Kurt says, "I'm just saying.  Just because you can pull something off doesn't mean that you should."

"Anyway," she says, pulling out another shirt and then pushing it back in, "I don't think that you get to call anyone else too loud."

"I don't mean socially," he says.  "You know I'm all for shaking things up.  I just mean visually.  All of that clashing literally makes my eyes hurt."

"How is that even possible," she demands, but Kurt was running his hands over the racks and he gets distracted by a new sweater.  It's so soft and almost kinda sticky?  Light brown, so versatile… he pulls it free, tuning her out, and turns it back and forth.

"Hey," Mercedes says, "wait a second.  See that boy over there?"

Kurt looks.  He doesn't see anything special.  "He's looking at girls' sweaters too," says Mercedes, "I think you should go over to him.  Bet you'd have something to talk about."

"Do you see how preppy he's dressed?" Kurt asks.  "Are you serious?  He couldn't handle my fashion sense… and besides, I bet he's shopping for someone else.  Like maybe his girlfriend."

"I don't think so," Mercedes says, "look.  He's holding that sweater up to himself."

Kurt tears his eyes back away from his sweater, and… yes, Mercedes is right, there's a boy not ten meters from him, visibly considering how he'd fit in a womens' sweater vest.  He never honestly thought he'd see such a thing in Ohio.  "I see," he says to Mercedes, and the boy looks up, and he could swear their eyes meet for a second, but something painful flashes across the boy's face, and he jams the sweater he was holding back into the rack and runs off.

 

4.

Blaine's in a very nice hospital room.  He had been in the ER, and before that he was in an ambulance, and before that he was in the empty parking lot behind his school, getting the shit kicked out of him.  But right now he's barely angry, though he can remember that he was incredibly maybe half an hour ago, right now he's not sure if he can feel his toes or his tongue or his skin.  They gave him like, a zillion painkillers, everything hurt like hell before that.

The door creaks open, and a nice woman in blue scrubs comes in.  She looks nice; it's not just that she came to him, she has a friendly smile on her face.  He wishes more people in the world had a smile like that.  "I'm Nurse Hudson," she says, "and I'm going to change your bandages.  I want you to let me know if anything hurts too much.  Okay?"

"Kay," Blaine says.  He's not sure what too much is.  Everything hurts already, but he can stand it?  Also talking feels really weird.

She starts with his legs - there are superficial cuts, they said, and bruises up both his shins and knees, from the gravel, they've already been irrigated and she hesitates but leaves those bandages on, then moves up to the gash on the outside of his right thigh.  She untapes something there, the pressure's lessened, and he winces quietly.  "Oh my God," she says, sounding horrified.  "What happened to you?"  She puts a new compress on as she speaks, and starts to tape it up again, as Blaine gathers his breath.

"A couple guys beat me up for being gay," he says, and realizes on the heels of that - _don't tell her.  Why'd you tell her that?  Now maybe she won't be gentle with you; this town, you know what it's like…._

"Oh my God," she says again, "I'm so sorry," and he's a little relieved.  Mad that he should have to be.  And mostly just up in the air.

She finishes messing with the tape, and walks up a few steps to stand by the side of his chest, to look more closely at the bruised skin over his broken ribs and his face.  "One of my son's friends is gay, too," she says, "he's just about your age," and when he makes the effort to look up he's surprised to see that there are tears in her eyes.  "And I just hate that people do this - I'm sorry.  I know you must hate it so much more than me."

"Don't be sorry," he says.  He appreciates the sentiment, but now he's stuck on wondering about her son's gay friend.  Which he knows isn't relevant in the scheme of things, but, he'd really like to meet him.  Just to see.

"Well, anyway, you seem to be healing up nicely," she says.  "Don't move, don't try to get out of bed yet."  She gathers up her clipboard from the counter and then pauses.  "Is there anything I can do for you?  If there is, let me know, I want to help.  And my name's Carole, by the way."

"Blaine," he says.  He can't think of anything at first, there's nothing useful, nothing he needs.  But there is something that she mentioned… "could you bring in your son's friend?" he asks.  It's ridiculous.  But he doesn't know at this point if he'll ever see Zachary again.  And it would be just be good to meet someone who understands.

"I'm not sure, she says, "but of course, I'll see what I can do.  Now take care for me, won't you," and closes the door.

He's discharged the next day, and he never does see Zachary again, and once in a while he's recovering he remembers the nurse's son's friend.  There's at least one gay guy in Lima that he hasn't met - (and gone out with, and got beaten to a pulp) - (he knows that's not his fault!) - and in the middle of the long, slow, and (most of all) boring recovery process, he looks up local LGBT groups.  He hates having to be alone.

 

5.

Kurt throws the Diva-Off for his Dad, but afterwards, they move awkwardly around each other for a few unfortunate days.  His Dad seems to feel - Kurt can tell - like he stuck his neck out for no reason, and Kurt feels frustrated with himself that no matter what he does, he can't make him happy.  Also he still doesn't have a solo, and Rachel gets to sing his song at practice every day.

So they shuffle around each other, and Kurt's making dinner on Friday night when his Dad comes back from work early.  "I heard something at the shop," he starts, voice forbidding, but then he stops, as if weighed down by something heavy.  Kurt's alert, but he doesn't feel the need to turn around.  "A couple kids, at the next high school over," he continues, "were attacked.  These two boys went to a dance together, and - it doesn't bear thinking about."  Kurt's hands freeze on the spatula, the skillet.  It's true, it doesn't.  He can hear his Dad gulp behind him, voice a little broken now.  "That what you want, Kurt?"

He knows his Dad is just afraid.  But he's not, he's furious, and a whirls in a blaze of righteousness.  "Of course that's not what I want!  It's not what anyone would want.  You're saying that it's what I deserve, if I go to a dance with a guy!?"

"No!  No, no, that is not what I'm saying.  I'm just - saying that I'm scared for you, okay?  I'm an old man, and you're young.  And you shouldn't have to, but if you keep your head down, you'll be out of here in a few years."

"And until then, I should just, what, do nothing?  Be nobody?  You wanted me to join Glee Club, Dad, you wanted me to have a chance to sing, and feel alive right now."

"Don't tell me what I wanted," Kurt hears, but he can't listen to any more of it.  He runs up the stairs and slams the door.  This is what love and support looks like, and sometimes he just can't take it.  It's too much.  He's all alone in this stupid town, nobody understands.

He dries his eyes, after a bit.  He'll call Mercedes and talk fashion.  She might not always get it, either, but at least he knows she'll be on his side.

 

\+ 1.

Blaine's going down the staircase, at Dalton, almost a year after he's gotten out of the ER.  And started school here.  Today he worries he'll be late to rehearsal - they're singing a new song for the student body, and he hopes it goes well.  He's been singing lead regularly for months now, but this is the first time the council's accepted his suggested song.

Kurt's going down the staircase right behind him.  He wasn't really supposed to leave McKinley.  He certainly wasn't supposed to come here.  But he was just so sick of it all, today, sick of school and the town and even his house which isn't that much of a refuge after all, and he just had nowhere else to go.  So he put on a stylized schoolboy uniform to play a part that wasn't his, and came here for the afternoon.

"Excuse me?" he says to one of the boys hurrying down the stairs.  "I'm new here."

A boy turns on the step below him, and holds out his hand, and Kurt will never fail to know him in a crowd again.

And Blaine looks up.  Past the plaid shorts, past the overstitched coat, and finds the beautiful face of someone who's been looking for him.


End file.
